Thai Culture Has Taken My Butt Prisoner

Last night a few of us went to the Igloo to watch our alma mater go down in defeat to a bunch of swamp-dwelling ass-masters. But that's beside the point.

Anyways, Penguin and Penguinette have been raving about their favorite restaurant/whore house, Thai Villa, for many moons. Last night during the game seemed like the perfect time to order take out and for the rest of us to try it for ourselves. The Penguins swear by the food at this little villa, just like they also swear that the place doubles as a brothel.

Not feeling like ordering my usual Pad Thai, I decided to be adventurous. I perused the menu I came across another appetizing dish -- egg noodles with mint leaves, tomato, chili peppers, blah blah blah. After reading the ingredients and seeing the little chili pepper picture beside the item to denote its hotness, I chose the Mee Tao Kro. No, this was not the dish's real name, but I can't remember what it was really called.

Thirty minutes later a car door slammed outside and I sat up, anxious to feast my eyes on a tasty treat. Crap. It's just some dude in a UCLA sweatshirt bringing us our order from Thai Villa. Where's the scantily clad whore? I thought to myself. Man, this Mee Sew Ho Ni better be good.

Dayam! Screw the whore (figuratively, of course) -- the Mee Yum Yum tasted great! But I had to eat it quickly since my lips were ablaze. No point in prolonging the pain. Upon finishing my food I suckled ice cubes to alleviate the burning sensation. Funny, I thought to myself. I could be experiencing a similar burning sensation in my pelvic region at this very moment had a whore from Thai Villa delivered the food instead. Whew. I sure got lucky. Or so I thought….

As Emu the Prognosticator quipped when I chose the Mee Lik Hot, "What goes in hot, comes out hot," or something like that.

6:30am -- Took a shit. It hurt. Smelled like the Mee Tak Shit from last night. Made my mouth water a little. Haha.

8:00am -- Took a shit. It hurt. This time there was no pleasant aroma, just the lingering burn. Double-flusher due to use of excess toilet paper.

11:15am -- Took a shit. It hurt. I closed my eyes and this little cartoon popped into my head…A little chili pepper with stick-figure-like arms and legs and a devious smile is kicking it in my asshole, holding my sphincter hostage and whipping it mercilessly.

Yes, I would eat at Thai Villa again. But next time we're going there in person to see the whores and I'm just going to order Pad Thai.

Ostrich -- South Park was right. Mee Krob is a bad word.