Girl, Shake That Laffy Taffy!

I am a pianist. That is pronounced (pee - nis - very silent "t). And today, I thought I experienced my proudest moment as a musician. I was wrong. Dead wrong. "What happened?" you ask?

I taught a little kid to play "Laffy Taffy" on the piano.

Yes, many of us grew up to Laffy Taffy, the tasty candy that stretches to unbelievable sizes and is fun to play with (wow! just like pianists!). Unfortunately, some people have lost their teeth because of the potent power of Laffy Taffy (wow, the same has happened because of the potent power of pianists!).

To little kids, "Laffy Taffy" is known as this catchy little ditty sung by D4L. Four notes. One casio keyboard. "Girl shake that laffy taffy. That laffy taffy. That laffy taffy. That laffy taffy." The same thing, over and over again. To those with taste, the song is annoying. Really annoying. Me, being a sadist and one with taste, I used to find D4L's "Laffy Taffy" to be sinfully annoying.

Sidenote: For those that aren't ghetto fabulous, laffy taffy means "ass." However, there are those who contend that "laffy taffy" is, in fact, another term for a female's labia minora, which, through various sexual acts, can be stretched to the point that it resembles Laffy Taffy, the candy. I won't put a picture up of that one :)

But I digress. The following story is an account of actual events that took place on the night of Feb. 18, the night of my niece's 2nd birthday party party -- though some details may be a tiny bit overblown.

Sunset - My friend, who we shall call "Burn Baby, Burn," and I are sitting at my sister's house with 20 others. I'm playing the piano. I'm bored. I need just a little bit of chaos. The only chaos at the moment is 5 little kids running around, screaming at the top of their lungs, occassionally banging on the piano while I play. How can I use my piano skills to create a tiny amount of havoc? Then I remember. Burn hates the song "Laffy Taffy."

"Come here, kid. I'll teach you a song," I say. Before anyone has a chance to react, I teach the 6-year-old pawn "Laffy Taffy." I'm proud of myself for irritating Burn, but then, things spiral out of control. "I love this song!" says the kid, who then turns to his younger cousin and says, "Sing along!"

"SHAKE THAT LAFFY TAFFY! SHAKE THAT LAFFY TAFFY!" scream the kids as their 6-year-old leader mercilessly bangs the notes out on the piano. Everyone turns and winces. The looks on their faces tell it all -- "My ears are burning," they think to themselves. "It's like I smoked some really bad pot."

Whew. It's over. Even I'm relieved. Or is it. No. Wait. The kids love it. I should have cherished the last 10 seconds of my life as I once knew it. The leader kid begins to play "Laffy Taffy" again. And again. And again.

A minute passes. I slump down in my chair. I see other adults starting to sit, others just stumbling around. No one is shaking their ass. Two minutes. I swear I saw someone throw up. Three minutes. It's chaos. It's like the song has taken on the persona of Carrie (you know, that old horror movie "Carrie"), shutting all the windows, closing all the doors. No one can leave. The kids voices become amplified. Four minutes. Everyone's dying. Those that try to escape are being killed Carrie-style by falling objects, electrocution, random fire.

30 minutes. Am I about to die, or has the song spared me? Perhaps it knew that I would go to the computer, tell the tale of horror, warn all readers of the evil power of "Laffy Taffy." Am I the only one left? Yes I am.

Oh no. "Laffy Taffy" knows I'm done with this post. I'm dying...dying...goodbye cruel world....

Moral of the story: SHAKE THAT LAFFY TAFFY!