Ain't That Some (Morning) Shit

As some of you may know, this is a subject that not only do I ponder a lot, but one that I am extremely passionate about. The Morning Shit. It sets the tone for your entire day. If you have a good one -- you know, your ass hits the toilet seat and a nice, big solid piece of crap comes out of your ass without breaking and with no splash -- consider it a sign that you're going to have a good day. But, if you have a bad one -- constipation, toilet paper breaks, (insert your own poo-peeve here) -- your day is ruined. You end up walking around uncomfortably, you can't do anything strenuous or else it may "activate" any left over shit needs at an inopportune moment, and so on. Thankfully, I have come up with a solution in case you have a bad morning shit...TAKE TWO MORNING SHITS!

Okay, maybe it's not a solution for you, but it's a solution for me. By taking two (or maybe three or four shits) in the morning, I get to be away from my work desk over and over again for legitimate reasons.

I would have to say my best shit of 2005 took place at my old house. I was driving to work, and I suddenly experienced a huge pain in my stomach. I thought I was going to black out -- had to think of something quick. Seeing that I was right at the freeway exit to my sister's house (who lives in the house I grew up in), I took my cell phone out of my pocket, careful not to move too abruptly lest I soil myself, and woke her up. "I have to take a dump. I'll let myself in," I gasped. "Okay," she said, not caring that my life was in danger.

I arrived at the house and gingerly exited the car. Squeezing my ass cheeks together with all my might, I shimmied my way to the front door, much like how those old-fashioned Japanese women walk to be all proper-like. Except, instead of a demure little cutesy smile, I wore a scowl and was sweating bullets. Luckily, I didn't fumble the keys and opened the door in mere seconds.

Moments later, I was in the bathroom. Pants drop. Bare ass hits the toilet seat. BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! It's like I gave birth to triplets! I swear it was a three-flusher. And the best part? No splash! Like Greg Lougaines (is that how you spell his name? Who cares, it rhymes with "anus") scoring three perfect 10's in a row in diving at the 1984 Olympics. Okay, I don't know if he really accomplished that feat. I do know that he hit his head on the diving board during one attempt. That had to hurt. Divers have died after hitting their head on the platform.

So what's the point? There is no point. I just want to say that, for those people I know who don't take a shit everyday, you're missing out. For those of you who are like me and are taking more than one a day, more power to you.