Shit With A Capital "S"

As many of you undoubtedly know, I am in the job market. My search consumes me. I've been searching for a while. However, for the past two weeks, it has weighed heavy on my mind, and dominated my time. As such, the subject of my search for a better life usually comes up in instant messenger conversation with many of you. Unfortunately, many times, I'm at work when we talk about it (yes, it's mainly my fault since I introduce the subject).

I suppose it would be prudent to keep this on the down low. So far, one co-worker has caught me chatting about my job search. Luckily, she wants to leave more than me. Heretofore, I would like to enact the following system of talking about job searches, either online or on the phone -- "Shit with a capital 'S'."

When talking on the phone, we shall refer to my job search as "my shit." Simple enough? Good. Here's the hard part. When talking about the subject on IM, we capitalize the words that replace real, key words. For instance, if you want to ask about how my search is going, you IM, "How's your Shit going?"

From there, we shall proceed in talking about the search as if we're talking about my dating life, always capitalizing the keywords that mean something else. Here's a sample conversation we can have, with translations.

TheEgg: sup ostrich. How's your Shit (job search)?
Ostrich: it kind of sucks. all i'm finding on Match.com (Monster.com, et al.) are Ugly Bitches (wack jobs).
TheEgg: sorry. have you had a friend try to Hook You Up (friends referring you to openings at their work).
Ostrich: yeah, some are on the lookout, but most of the time their Women (workplace) don't have Girlfriends That Are Attractive (isn't the right kind of job) to me.


Easy, no? Let's practice some more, shall we?

Ostrich: man, i went out on a Date (interview) with this Chick (job) i met on MySpace (craigslist.org).
TheEgg: oh? what's up? was she Hot (a good company)? did she Want You To Be Her Man (offer you the job)?
Ostrich: she was Aight (an aight company). no, she didn't ask, but she did ask me out on another Date. she's looking for a Boyfriend (a bitch she can force to do anything she wants him to. ironic, eh?), and i know she's been Dating Around (other people were interviewing as well). i think if we Go Out Again (another interview), i can Nail Her (get the job).
TheEgg: maybe you should Nail Her on the second Date even if you don't want to. you just need out of your Current Relationship (current job).
Ostrich: true, but my Current Girlfriend (current job) takes care of me, and people are always Checking Her Out And Saying She's Sexy As Hell (other people think my job rocks, and in a sense, they're right). she Puts Out (i get paid), Takes Care Of Me When I'm Sick (i have health benefits), Brushes My Teeth (dental), etc. though she used to let me Go Out Whenever I Want (vacation policy rocks) before, now she's Not Letting Me Go Out As Much (stingy on the vacation time) and shit. Cuddling and Flirting (general terms for "you're doing a good job" type of things) is cool, and i enjoy the Attention (they appreciate you), but now she's getting all Clingy (micromanging) and Overbearing (overbearing). but like i said, she Puts Out. but she doesn't give me many Kinky Treats (perks of the job) these days, and she's never given me a Blow Job (pay bonus). oh, and her Life's Plan (401k) sucks and it Doesn't Really Include Me (non-matching 401k).
TheEgg: yeah. maybe you should consider Taking A Break From Relationships (take some time off between jobs) for awhile. just don't become a Man-Whore (job jumper).


Sometimes, things can get a little confusing.

TheEgg: what's your Type (field of interest)?
Ostrich: right now, the Qualities (what i'm looking for in a job) i'm looking for are Intelligent (white collar job, not blue collar), Sugar Momma (big company), Local (uh, local), and someone who can hold it down Financially (pays at least decently). however, i wouldn't mind The Girl Next Door (a really close by job) as long as she's Cute (respectable company with decent pay). but yeah, if she's Hot (well-known company) and Cute (decent pay), that's a plus. especially if she lives Down The Street (local).
TheEgg: that's not what i asked, dumbass. what's your TYPE?
Ostrich: i told you already. what else do you want to know? i'm Divorcing My Wife (leaving my current career) and don't know if i want another Wife (career) like her. i ain't looking for a Fling (temp job) either. a Hot Girlfriend (semi-permanent stint with a well-known company) who's got a Cuteness to her is ideal until i figure out what i want in a Wife. with any luck, my new Girlfriend will be The One (career for life).
TheEgg: but what's your TYPE? do you like Big Asses (?) Boobs (?) Short (?) Tall (?) Brains (?) Nice Face (?) Dark (?) Light Skinned (?) No Teeth (??) Missing Limbs (???)
Ostrich: ummmmmm, huh?
TheEgg: damnit!!!! what's your TYPE?!!! your TYYYYYPPPPPPPEEEEEE?!!!!
Ostrich: oh. um. yeah. let's just say that, overall, what she does for a living is important to me. i would prefer if she works in, oh, Marketing, Advertising, Project Management, maybe even the Music Business again.
TheEgg: SCREW YOU (screw you) and your SHITTY SYSTEM (double entendre)!!!
Ostrich: Shitty System. hahahahahaha!
Ostrich: anyways, what else is up?
Ostrich: hello?
Ostrich: hello?
Ostrich: ...... :(

As you can see, sometimes you gotta state what you mean outright, but what comes before it should still refer to things in context of the coded conversation, and the key points should still be in caps.

NO MORE OF THE SAME OL' SHIT! - Ostrich

Epilogue: After re-reading this, I have come to an epiphany. A job really is just like a girlfriend/wife. You spend all this time pursuing one, getting all prettied up, being polite, being a fuckin' man in order to convince them to let you be a part of their lives. Then you become her bitch.