She Stands On The Toilet

Last night I came upon feature material for the Ostrich Diary(ahs) that wrecked havoc on my mind and job search. The topic was presented to me through a most unlikely source -- Dimple. Why unlikely? Because Dimple doesn't like matters of the ass, nor what is expelled from them (maybe it has to do with the fact that most cute hotties of her caliber have class). So Dimple, I commend you on your courageousness in sharing this important, earth-shattering story with the world, despite your squeamishness with ass issues.

Dimple: hey. got a good one for ya.
Ostrich: go for it.
Dimple: that ONLY you would enjoy
Ostrich: um, now i'm scared...
Dimple: so there's a woman i know, that i just found out ... she goes to #2 standing ON the toilet. like perched on the seat.
Ostrich: does she stand on the seat? does she lift the lid? do women's restrooms have lids that are liftable? if so, why? no guys go in there to take a piss....

Hmmm. While the other questions are of vital importance to me, I believe "does she stand on the seat?" is the biggest issue. I mean, c'mon. The only time I've seen anyone stand while taking a dump was when my niece did that about a year back, and even now she assumes a little squatting position. While standing at the toilet before my morning shit, I couldn't even fathom taking a dump while standing in the fully upright position. You'd have to really squeeze since your butt cheeks are so close together. And even then, it'd probably come out like toothpaste.

Ostrich: wait. so she stands straight up while taking a dump?
Dimple: no she squats on the toilet seat
Ostrich: she does that for #1 too?
Dimple: no she squats, but feet on floor for that.

We won't even go there. Besides, I've heard other girls do that too, so no biggie.

Ostrich: how did she get around to telling YOU of all people that?
Dimple: we found out cause there are footprints on the seat.

Footprints on the seat? Like with toes? So does she take off her shoes? If so, that means she's willing to touch the seat with her feet, but not her ass. That's weird. Maybe she grips the seat with her toes. Though if she lifts the seat, then she could probably wrap her toes around the edges of the bowl better. However, if it's a cushioned seat, maybe that's easier to grip. Then again, if she does leave on her shoes, what if they are heels? Or what if her shoes don't have traction?

Dimple: when she goes #1 she misses 50%
Ostrich: noooo!
Dimple: haha. yes.
Ostrich: if she misses while #1-ing, how often does she miss when she #2's? that's a farther distance. dude. how does she aim? what happens if she misses?

Can you imagine that? Walking into a stall and seeing poop on the toilet seat? You can clean up piss and not leave too much of a stain and people would be none the wiser. But poop? That's gotta leave a mark. And aiming! She has to have her feet right at the front edge of the seat and squat just enough so that she can get the shit out, yet still make it so it just drops into the back of the toilet. And how ripped and buff are this woman's quadriceps?

Ostrich: how does she reach the toilet paper?
Dimple: (no answer)

Seriously. This troubles me. If she waits until she's done, gets off the seat, gets the toilet paper, then wipes, there is soooo much potential for poop to go everywhere. If she holds the toilet paper, that leaves one less hand free to brace herself. Either way, after wiping, she probably has to aim to make sure the toilet paper falls into the bowl as well.

Dimple: she's like 56. what if she falls? shatters something?

Good God. 56 years old. Bless her soul, she's still alive. As a conservative estimate, let's say that she poops every other day. That's still approximately 130 poops per year. And lets say that she's been doing this since she was 16 years old. So 40 years. That's still roughly 5,200 times she could have eaten it in the bathroom.

And the age factor. There's will be a point in time when she'll be too old to take a shit this way, but not incapacitated enough to require someone wiping her ass. What then? Is that 10 years from now? 20? 25? I'm betting the most likely scenario, unfortunately, is that she will have a bad fall and be mandated by caretakers to actually sit on the seat.

Ostrich: does she hold on to the walls of the stall to get up? if there's no walls, how does she balance? does she take off her pants completely? panties? does she always wear skirts? does she just wear skirts with no panties?

So many more questions, yet so little time in a day -- in a lifetime -- to ponder all of them. Let's at least try to tackle these.

I'm betting she has to use the walls to balance. Maybe she even has to face backwards and use the front wall and the rest of the toilet assembly to hold on. I know I would. It'd try out the different scenarios myself (the getting up on the toilet part -- I'm not dumb enough to go through with the shitting), but I'm sure I'd end up in the hospital, and that's a tough one to explain. Every bathroom is different, so I'm sure she has a method.

If she's wearing a skirt, she still risks pooping into the skirt if she hikes it up. Pants? No way. She has to take them off. So she strips in the bathroom? Hmmm. Maybe she wears loose skirts, and no panties. Normally that sounds hot. But in context, that's gross. And she's 56.

Dimple: thought you'd be the ONLY one that'd appreciate it
Ostrich: oh, you know me so well :-)

Alas, one burning question does remain -- WHO THE HELL POTTY TRAINED THIS WOMAN?!!!!