'Poop On A Plane'

"Oh no you didn't!" I think to myself as I click on the link called "Poop On A Plane" in the Entertainment section of CNN.com. While everyone I know is hating on the upcoming film/Internet phenomenon "Snakes On A Plane," I was almost hurt to see such a reputable news outlet outright blast the film which, to my knowledge, has yet to be screened. Sure, chances are "S.O.A.P." will suck harder than your momma ever could, but that's the beauty of it -- you know you're about to waste six hours of your life (90-120 minutes of actual film time, 240 minutes of beating your head against the wall, whining, trying unsuccessfully to kick Ostrich's ass).

I can think of bigger wastes of time. Here's one that all can agree on -- work. See? Would you rather "S.O.A.P." yourself or work? Okay, yeah, work pays you, blah blah blah. Damn you and your logic.

Here's a bigger waste of time -- watching a film called "Poop On A Plane." Actually, maybe it wouldn't be that big a waste of time. How's this for a plot?

A worldwide criminal organization is out to kill a high-ranking foreign emissary/rival drug lord who is traveling to the U.S. Thinking outside the box, they use their inside men at the airport to fill the plane's air vents with cow manure. While it's now difficult to get beverages and hair gel through security, incendiary devices are still a piece of cake to slip through -- all a person has to do is stick it up his ass. The saboteurs reason that the combination of fire and cow manure is all you need to blow the plane to smithereens.

The triggerman is a shit-out-of-luck spy codenamed Shitty Spy. He's caught by the bad guys and offered an ultimatum -- stick a flamethrower up his ass and fart into the plane's air vents, thereby igniting the cow manure and blowing up the plane, or watch as they kill his goldfish Myrtle. Meanwhile, bad-ass former FBI Agent-turned-mercenary Samuel L. Jackson is tapped by the U.S. government to rescue Shitty Spy for no good reason.

Skipping to the action, things go wrong on the plane and shit starts to leak everywhere. To make things worse, the toilet overflows because Jessica Simpson (who stars in the film as herself) didn't follow the "wipe, wipe, flush" rule, mixing the corn poop, diarrhea and cow manure into a mess all throughout the plane. The smell causes people to begin vomiting, and as they run from aisle to aisle in search of barf bags, they slip and tumble every which way because of the poop (this sequence takes place in double speed with the "Benny Hill" theme playing in the background). Because he is the shit himself, Samuel L. Jackson is immune to the smell and to the loss of traction that the others experience. But can Jackson reach Shitty Spy in time and stick his hand up his ass before Shitty Spy finishes eating a can of beans? Who knows?!!! But isn't it worth $15 at the Arclight to find out?

Ostrich -- Snakes On A Mother-Fuckin' Plane, Bitch!

(Oh yeah. So the CNN.com link just talked about how snake poop was everywhere during the filming of "S.O.A.P." Cool huh. Check it out.)